No to neon!

Listen up kids, word of advice: you may think that wearing neon accessories is cool and 'ironic' because you think that you look like you're about to go clubbing- when you plainly aren't old enough. But I can tell you that neon accessories look cheap and tacky.

Do you ever see Kate Moss or Victoria Beckham wearing neon?? No? Funny that...

Adding neon colours to a daily wardrobe did not work in the 1990's for Screech from Saved by the bell... so it definitely does not work for you (and if you're too young to know who screech is- then look him up!)

I remember in my day, we stuck to colours that didn't blind onlookers and create a potential crash hazard...

... so if, for some inexplicable reason, you still insist on wearing neon, please just stay off of the side of the roads.

Greater expense doesn't make it better

Looking in the mirror in the mornings can be an alarming experience... like when the eye make-up you failed to remove properly the night before has migrated down the side of your face and resulted in a theatrical ‘zombie’ look.

No-one looks ready for the catwalk in the mornings but the worst problem has to be the ‘bed hair’.

The problem with having short hair, is that it’s hard to control, especially when you frequently wake up looking like Vivienne from the Young Ones.

You’d think that with such a common problem, the standard of hair-styling products would therefore be through the roof- alas no!

I have purchased ‘the latest scientific breakthrough in hair styling products’, more times than I can count... and have been disappointed every time.

My constant search for a decent product as lead me to conduct a trial of three top brands, the results of which, were quite surprising:

1) John Masters organic hair texturizer £17.00

Anything with the word ‘organic’ in the title usually leaves me feeling pretty smug at its purchase but unfortunately the good points end here.

The instructions advise that you use the product sparingly but this resulted in the hair gunk drying out on my hands before it had even reached my head.

Though it did add considerable texture and volume, upon closer inspection I realised that product had dried in snow-like clumps all over my head- not easy to cover-up in April!

2) Toni & Guy texture paste £5.99

Although the fruity smell is enticing, this product is by far the worst.

The thick, wet, moulding gunk, caused my straightened hair to return to it’s curly poodle-like state in an instant, leaving it too heavy and greasy to work with.

3) Lee stafford messed up spray wax £4.49

I love this product.

Everything from the bright pink packaging- which attracts me like a magpie to shiny things, to the great-smelling product within.

It textured my hair brilliantly, leaving it glowing and perfectly styled. I suspect that it wouldn’t have the strength to style longer hair but I definitely recommend it for those with short, to shoulder length locks.

A David Attenblog

I often refer to a shopping trip as an 'animalistic hunt' and anyone who has properly encountered the 'hullabaloo' of end-of-season sales, would not disagree.

I once witnessed two middle-aged women display a fascinating behavioral pattern which is normally associated with alpha-male gorillas during mating season. Each female competing for the prize, (in this case a pair of jeans with 30 per cent off), whilst the shoppers who manage to retain decorum merely stalk the edges of the shop- waiting to scavenge garments which are left clinging limply to the carcass of the sale rail.

After undertaking numerous shopping expeditions, I have documented many fascinating creatures which thrive in the retail world.

Often ignored but ever-present is the ‘shop assistant’ and in this very special blog, I provide you with information which has never before been documented about this creature and the three most common breeds.

1) Snobiousshopious

This particular creature is very specific about their habitat. They will not be found in common high-street shops and normally prefer to build a nest out of the finest available materials.

Be warned, this particular shop assistant can become quite hostile if it thinks that you have no placing within its' ‘finer’ hierarchic territory.

Blend in with its' natural surroundings and show that you do not feel intimidated by composing yourself with graceful airs.

2) Colossallybewilderdicus

Unfortunately, this particular breed of shop assistant is very common and can become quite alarmed when posed with even the simplest of questions.

It’s best to avoid this creature at all costs, or you may be left dealing with a painfully gormless display of highly bewildering stupidity.

3) Deservingbutnevergettingpromotionous

Finally, we have the rarest of all the creatures; the ‘caring’ assistant.

Distinguishable behavioural patterns include: genuine helpfulness and a believable expression of sorrow- often displayed when sought after garments are not in stock.

They work tirelessly to assemble a variety of coloured garments in order to create a display that will impress a largely female audience.

Look out for this particular species and treat them well because in such a profit driven industry, their numbers are sadly decreasing.

Second hand brassieres?

This week I did something which I thought I would never do... going against every instinct in my body- every fiber screaming at me to stop, to think and take heed...

I cautiously swing open the dented door to what some people refer to as; the untapped ‘Aladdin's cave’ of shops... The charity shop:

The musty odour slams into me faster than the unstoppable bus which rampages through the streets of Los Angeles in the film:Speed.

The smell is simply eye-watering and almost indescribable- perhaps it has something to do with the flea bitten feline which glares at me from above- prowling the rickety (and worryingly unstable) wooden shelving.

Its’ cold yellow eyes seem to burn into my very soul... even the cat thinks that I don’t belong here.

With my instincts (and nose) imploring me to do otherwise; I take a shaky step further into the unknown...

There are others in this grubby shop, I can’t really tell; they seem to sense my presence but do not acknowledge me, as they scurry up and down the roughly marked aisles in desperate ‘animalistic’ like pursuit of their prey: the ever elusive ‘bargain’.

The woman to the right of me- I vaguely recognise. Her faded plum Macintosh glistens with- what I fear to be: bird droppings.

This must be Cheltenham’s very own: ‘Crazy bird lady.’

I have heard people speak of her before- the woman who spends her days feeding and stroking the flying rats which swoop maliciously about the town.

She appears to be muttering to herself as she viciously attacks the drab garments which cling limply to their rusty hangers.

The speed at which she hunts is quite alarming and the look of fear in her cloudy blue eyes seems to suggest that she feels threatened by the presence of the other shoppers- well either of the shoppers or of the cat- which has now turned its’ ugly squashed face in curious attention towards her.

Ignoring the fruitful specimen of shoppers, I begin my search for the intangible ‘bargain’- carefully stepping over the dusty and damaged ‘brick-a-brack’ which clutters the equally aged carpet.

I glance at the clothing which hangs in savage execution on the railing. I suspect these items were once loved but most have certainly seemed to have had surpassed their expected wear time... perhaps I’ll leave the clothes for today.

Onwards to the jewellery which gleams in silent protest from within the shabby glass encasement in the centre of the shop.

Most items have been tossed uncaringly onto the chipped clear shelving.

To call these pieces ‘retro’ or ‘vintage’ is an understatement as I imagine that most pieces have been in existence for a very long time- which wouldn’t normally be a bad thing but the quality of the items is strangely reminiscent of the type of items which I suspect to burst out of ‘value’ crackers during the festive period... I’ll leave buying new accessories for today.

I walk meekly to the back of the shop where the shop-owner appears to dwell.

The woman behind the counter grunts in acknowledgement as I cautiously peer into the row of ripped cardboard containers which sit on the surface of the table before her alongside a bag of fowl-smelling cat food and a dish of warm milk.

She does not seem pleased that I have made it this far and the unpleasant lines around her mouth suggests that she has spent a large proportion of her life scowling at her customers for disturbing her concentration whilst reading the damp 'trash' magazine which lies before her.

Undeterred and with bated breath I take a closer look at the contents of the largest box...

...That can’t be what I think it is! Oh God it is... it’s a woman’s bra no... an entire box!

Apparently you can recycle everything...

No... This really is the final straw- it’s simply not normal! Any shred of bravery and curiosity has seeped out of me... I will leave the charity shop for today.

I had never greeted fresh air with so much relief in my entire life and I can now truly understand how Andy Dufresne felt after his escape from Shawshank prison.

I learnt two things from this mentally challenging experience:

1) Apparently you can buy second hand brassieres- you really have to see the condition of theses stained support garments to understand the true horror of this disturbing detail.

2) The people who refer to the ‘charity shop’ as ‘Aladdin’s cave’ must be one of two things; either: mentally unfortunate, or as I suspect: liars, who take some kind of sick pleasure out of seeing pale people clawing their way back to high street normality.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not normally the type to take a sneery ‘middle-class’ view on things but there are some places which truly baffles the mind.

Do famous people like Fearne Cotton really shop in these places for their fashionable vintage outfits?

I have since learnt that apparently there are ‘special’ charity shops where ‘A-listers’ dump their clothes due to an inexplicable fear of wearing the same garment twice.

If this is true then I am wiling to give this particular variety of shop a second chance... however until the exact location of these shops are confirmed; I will just stick to giving to the charity shops.

Spotted a celeb so here commith the classic copy cat advice

Met BBC Radio one DJ Edith Bowman last night, and I’m not ashamed to say that I was slightly; (or massively), star-struck; so much in fact, that in a desperate attempt to get closer to the DJ booth where she was at- I managed to burn my foot quite badly on the smoke machine. 

To the right you will see from left: Me, Sarah (housemate) and the Bowman. 

Anyways brushing my awkward celeb pursuit aside, one thing that I did note was the fact that she managed to harbour a refreshing air of normality, despite the fact that she was being mobbed by hundreds of sweaty alcopop fuelled students. 

She seemed lovely and regularly halted her manic dancing to hug and greet anyone who stopped by to say hi... no entourage, no fuss.  

Her outfit very much suited the venue and company... no try hard designer gear as you very often get from the people who sign up for a DJ guest spot. 

The petite blonde opted for the ever-fashionable ‘casual nautical’ look. A simple black and white striped top teamed nicely with a pair of good quality leggings: completely effortless yet absolutely stylish. 

Edith's simple outfit can be recreated the right way for just £26. 

                  

Top: £10 (Dorothy Perkins)

Black leggings with popper detail: £16 (Next)

Match up with some comfy pumps or delicate heels and a neck-full of long beaded jewellery.

Barbie goes 'geek chic'

Don’t worry kids, you can look ridiculous and still get a job in IT!

At last parents everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief as the makers of Barbie have come up with a 'completely new look’ for the fashionable doll which they hope will help to assure young girls that they can overcome a ‘nerdy’ trade stereotype and embrace the life of an IT consultant...

... as long as they dress in vomit inducing outfits, suffer from partial blindness and maintain an unrealistic body shape- well done Mattel (Barbie masterminds).

In an interview with the BBC, a female web designer says:

"It's very much a young man's industry... Women find the need to become quite laddish. You try and become very geeky and not particularly feminine."

...Do they really?

I know several girls who work in IT departments and I have never noticed any of them scratching their crotches and belching for enjoyment.

The outfit donned by the plastic role model is questionable within the realms of taste to say the least but aside from a pair of pink, thick rimmed glasses- presumably an unoriginal attempt to make Barbie look more intelligent, there is no difference to her appearance.

I must however applaud Barbie, acquiring the talent to balance her fabulous pink laptop on her own forearm is a truly remarkable skill.

Unfortunately, the assumption that women who currently work in IT are 'unfashionable', is bold yet insulting, and feeds the very stereotype that they are allegedly striving to overturn.

Ah well, it’s just a toy... right?

A News of the World story, not fact.

This is the general gist of one of yesterdays 'top' stories:

Jordan/ Katie Price/ Mrs Reid/ the biggest disgrace to womanhood since the night Margaret Thatcher’s Mother decided against contraception; has decided that as her life isn’t quite false enough, she would like to have her husband’s face altered to her liking via plastic surgery. 

How romantic.

The bigger-boob-than-brain-bimbo has decided that although she loves hubby Alex Reid ‘with all her heart’, she doesn’t love his nose or ears after all the trauma that they have suffered due to years of cage-fighting abuse. 

I am inclined to agree with the bimbo actually, perhaps her hubby does need surgery- brain surgery. 

Clearly there is something wrong with the orange dim-wit and not just because he married this woman, but also because he allegedly doesn’t even agree with plastic surgery- (other than when done on women’s breasts’), and that he is just to scared to say NO!!

How absolutely ridiculous! An unoriginal response to the story would be: “your partner should love you for who you are and not what you look like...” but then again superficial is as superficial does. 

Just one word of advice Alex; I wouldn’t rely on Jordan as your main image consultant if I were you, or pretty soon you will have more modification’s than a ‘boy racer’s’ badly painted Vauxhall Corsa.