Singing muppets 'Jedward' to take on fashion world... No, really!

You haven't read the title wrong, the Irish idiots are actually quite serious about this new venture.


In an interview with 'Now' magazine, John and Edward Grimes, 18, have revealed that they are working on a clothing line which has been inspired by the likes of Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury...


... I think that they are slightly out of their depth with this one. As if it wasn't bad enough that we had to listen to their cringe-worthy wailing throughout last year's Xfactor series, we are now supposed to take fashion advice from two boys who think it's 'cool' to walk around with identical straw skyscrapers on top of their heads?


The boys have also announced that they will be the ones to model their new range, as 'fashion is their passion.'
Now, I wouldn't class myself as a diehard Jedward fan, (incase you couldn't surmise this fact for yourself), but from what I gathered, their 'passion' was supposed to be music... well, ruining it anyway.


Does no-one have the heart to tell these boys that enough is simply enough? Because I really wouldn't have a problem with it.
In my opinion, the only reason that they have made it this far as 'popstars', is due to the sad fact that the British race simply love to watch people make fools of themselves, we don't however like to be made fools of ourselves, thus I can conclude that there will simply be no market for a range of clothes which will render the wearer a social recluse.


Do I think that the biggest names of the fashion world should wait with baited breath to see if this latest 'celeb' endorsed line will crush them?


No.


In fact, if the twins' fashion talents are on the same level as their singing ability, then I think that it would only be sporting for a fashion God such as Armarni to give them a little hand...that is providing the Emporio industry are in need of good laugh...

The only place where traditional fashion doesn't belong!

OK, I have just got back from Download festival and have much to tell about losing my music festival virginity... but for now, let us discuss the beloved subject of ‘fashion’... or in this case a severe lack of it.

I really don’t know where to begin... though this delayed thought process may be due to the fact that sleep has been just as non-existent as portaloo cleanliness over the past four days. 

The usual eccentric ensembles were on display... man-kinis, tutus, banana suits, various animal costumes, Mexican wrestling masks, rubber zombie animal masks, odd shaped hats and very occasionally; the most disturbingly hairy birthday suits. 

Noting the outfits and the general appearance of others over the course of the last few days has been an... erm... interesting experience, and listening into the conversations of others who are worse off than you are- either due to intoxication by one or more substances, or simply due to general madness, which envelopes you once you lapse into a severe case of hygiene withdrawal.

The most amusing utterance to hit my ears came from a young girl of about 16 years of age. Her simple inquisition of: “do I look OK” to her friend in the portaloo queue has never been so funny. 

I answered this question, (in my mind), with this: ‘No. You most certainly do not look OK and I am not being harsh, just let me explain: you are stood in a suspiciously coloured puddle; wearing an ill-fitting ‘Wonder Woman’ costume- which clashes horribly with your orange neon socks and sweatbands, add these elements plus the mud which is caked up the back of your legs and arse; a disturbing wet patch on your chest; the make-up streaming down your happy, (yet sweaty) face, plus the fact that you probably smell like a biffa bin on a hot summers day. All of these elements have, unsurprisingly, led me to the conclusion that no my dear, you do not look OK... no-body does! 

This is the only time that I will ever advise this, but the best fashion tips for festivals is: take lots of rubbish clothing and pack for all weathers, in a word, ‘comfy clothing’... 

...Yes people, I’m talking OAP gear. 

All of these high street shops which are trying to ploy you with ‘festival must-haves’ are liars. You do not need any nice things, and certainly not new things. 

Before I embarked on my festival trip I naively planned outfit combinations for each day, including a couple of spares and matching accessories but by the end of the first day, all of my plans had been destroyed, and towards the end I simply ended up throwing my body into my bag of creased clothing and surfacing from the dark tent wearing whatever garments had managed to cling to my body, in their near-correct positions. 

In addition to OAP comfort garments, I would recommend these items as the actual festival must-haves: 

• Hat(s). I took my favourite straw trilby, but it got crushed- and you wouldn’t even be able to guess how it met its end, it just did. 

• Baby Wipes. No matter what you wear, you will still feel gross, always keep the wet wipes on hand to freshen up, they only leave you feeling great for about five minutes but that’s better than nothing.

• Bin liners. They can be cleverly transformed into disposable mackintoshes should the weather take a turn for the worse. 

• Sunglasses. Hide the bloodshot and the bags, not attractive but inevitable. 

• Large jumper/hoodie x2. I am ashamed to say that one of mine survived on my body for about 36hrs straight... and may have been worn again on a later occasion... and possibly again on the way home.  

If you haven’t been to a festival, I’m really not trying to put you off, I had the time of my life... but just don’t expect to look your best in a place where you get dressed muddy tent and spend most of your time in a sweaty arena, showering in nothing but the rain and any other suspicious liquids which fly through the air. 

Click on the links above for practical festival attire ideas...

Extend Halloween? Definitely not.

Earlier this month, The Sun newspaper reported that a new fashion craze is sweeping American high schools:

"PACKS of teenagers are going to school as WEREWOLVES...

"The kids wear yellow contact lenses and fangs - and even have fake furry tails attached to their jeans."

At first I was a little skeptical of this story, The Sun newspaper have been known to stretch the truth, tweak story elements and completely fabricate their 'exclusives' for a spot of publicity. 

However, after researching this story I can conclude that this new 'craze' is legitimate in its existence... confused teenagers are actually expressing 'hate', 'resentment', 'individuality' and all that other stuff by dressing like 'creatures of the night' because apparently it makes them feel as though they 'belong' to something.

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for expressing individuality and such, and I must admit that whilst I was making the difficult transition into adulthood, I felt the need to regularly dip my face into a bucket of black paint and stock up on outfits suitable only for the most morbid church services- all in the name of 'Goth', but never did I feel the need to retain my Halloween costumes in the belief that I could integrate aspects of spooky dress-up into regular wardrobe circulation. 

Not many of you will have even picked up on this story, after all it's only teenagers being teenagers right? We all regret some of our past fashion choices and this is simply accepted as a 'trial and error' part of life that we all must experience, I just think that sometimes, 'trends' go a little bit too far.  

In this instance, the 'Twilight' saga has been blamed for kick-starting the trend, as the film and book franchise carries with it a huge teenage fan-base, but I don't think the origins of trends can ever really be properly pinpointed. If people are so easily influenced, then day-to-day life should be more interesting than it actually is. 

I mean, if groups of adults started dressing up as their favourite film or book characters, then they would more than likely be branded 'insane' and promptly removed from society. 

I enjoyed the new Ironman film last week, but that doesn't mean that I am going to forge a new outfit out of aluminium foil, tin cans and fairy lights. 

Come on kids! Yes, it is normal to want to experiment with your look and try and stand out in the crowds of mainstream fashions but I am willing to bet large sums of money that all of you 'Werewolf' people will look back on this particular trend and cringe with embarrassment. Take this piece of advice from someone who knows: there are much better ways to go about 'making a statement' than dressing like something from supernatural culture.  Be yourself, not a character from a story or a fictional creature... 

... However, if you are in-fact real Werewolves, then please ignore the above passage and accept my apologies and the promise that I will buy you a bone or a chew toy if I ever meet you in person... or... erm 'animal'...   

Click on the links above and below to find out more... 

Were-child

Vampiric shoes

Note to self: If a new pair of shoes cuts into the flesh of your heel and results in pleasant pool of blood collecting in said shoe... do not then put them on the very next day thinking that your destroyed heel is now miraculously capable of dealing with the blood draining sweeties.

Why do we do it? Even when an item of clothing, (or shoe), attempts to cut our brief existence on this planet short... we always justify wearing it again because it 'looks cute' or makes us look like them 'supermodel types'.

It is ridiculous when you think about it and yet we all do it... and most of us will probably do it again soon, maybe even right now you are wearing something which is not in the least bit comfortable????

I'm not going down the OAP route of promoting 'comfy' clothing- you know, the type of which consists of sagging trackie bottoms, moth-eaten jumpers and ill-fitting vest tops... but maybe, just maybe if we all wore more 'practical' things, then we could remove the first-aid kit from our handbags and free up much needed room!

Who am I trying to kid? It's a proven scientific fact that wearing body-destroying items is a woman's weakness and someone needs to come up with a cure- fast!!!

In the meantime I know I shall probably wear said vampiric shoes again- they are very 'cute' but I definitely won't be wearing them tomorrow... probably.

Saw someone wearing white leggings...

... and they looked like they had two misshapen tictacs hanging off of their torso.

White leggings never look good- don't do it people!

No to neon!

Listen up kids, word of advice: you may think that wearing neon accessories is cool and 'ironic' because you think that you look like you're about to go clubbing- when you plainly aren't old enough. But I can tell you that neon accessories look cheap and tacky.

Do you ever see Kate Moss or Victoria Beckham wearing neon?? No? Funny that...

Adding neon colours to a daily wardrobe did not work in the 1990's for Screech from Saved by the bell... so it definitely does not work for you (and if you're too young to know who screech is- then look him up!)

I remember in my day, we stuck to colours that didn't blind onlookers and create a potential crash hazard...

... so if, for some inexplicable reason, you still insist on wearing neon, please just stay off of the side of the roads.