A David Attenblog

I often refer to a shopping trip as an 'animalistic hunt' and anyone who has properly encountered the 'hullabaloo' of end-of-season sales, would not disagree.

I once witnessed two middle-aged women display a fascinating behavioral pattern which is normally associated with alpha-male gorillas during mating season. Each female competing for the prize, (in this case a pair of jeans with 30 per cent off), whilst the shoppers who manage to retain decorum merely stalk the edges of the shop- waiting to scavenge garments which are left clinging limply to the carcass of the sale rail.

After undertaking numerous shopping expeditions, I have documented many fascinating creatures which thrive in the retail world.

Often ignored but ever-present is the ‘shop assistant’ and in this very special blog, I provide you with information which has never before been documented about this creature and the three most common breeds.

1) Snobiousshopious

This particular creature is very specific about their habitat. They will not be found in common high-street shops and normally prefer to build a nest out of the finest available materials.

Be warned, this particular shop assistant can become quite hostile if it thinks that you have no placing within its' ‘finer’ hierarchic territory.

Blend in with its' natural surroundings and show that you do not feel intimidated by composing yourself with graceful airs.

2) Colossallybewilderdicus

Unfortunately, this particular breed of shop assistant is very common and can become quite alarmed when posed with even the simplest of questions.

It’s best to avoid this creature at all costs, or you may be left dealing with a painfully gormless display of highly bewildering stupidity.

3) Deservingbutnevergettingpromotionous

Finally, we have the rarest of all the creatures; the ‘caring’ assistant.

Distinguishable behavioural patterns include: genuine helpfulness and a believable expression of sorrow- often displayed when sought after garments are not in stock.

They work tirelessly to assemble a variety of coloured garments in order to create a display that will impress a largely female audience.

Look out for this particular species and treat them well because in such a profit driven industry, their numbers are sadly decreasing.

Spotted a celeb so here commith the classic copy cat advice

Met BBC Radio one DJ Edith Bowman last night, and I’m not ashamed to say that I was slightly; (or massively), star-struck; so much in fact, that in a desperate attempt to get closer to the DJ booth where she was at- I managed to burn my foot quite badly on the smoke machine. 

To the right you will see from left: Me, Sarah (housemate) and the Bowman. 

Anyways brushing my awkward celeb pursuit aside, one thing that I did note was the fact that she managed to harbour a refreshing air of normality, despite the fact that she was being mobbed by hundreds of sweaty alcopop fuelled students. 

She seemed lovely and regularly halted her manic dancing to hug and greet anyone who stopped by to say hi... no entourage, no fuss.  

Her outfit very much suited the venue and company... no try hard designer gear as you very often get from the people who sign up for a DJ guest spot. 

The petite blonde opted for the ever-fashionable ‘casual nautical’ look. A simple black and white striped top teamed nicely with a pair of good quality leggings: completely effortless yet absolutely stylish. 

Edith's simple outfit can be recreated the right way for just £26. 

                  

Top: £10 (Dorothy Perkins)

Black leggings with popper detail: £16 (Next)

Match up with some comfy pumps or delicate heels and a neck-full of long beaded jewellery.

3D Burberry may need bigger models...

British fashion giants Burberry are to set to change catwalk history by being the first to screen their latest show in 3D.

The special effects for the 2010 autumn/winter show; which are believed to be inspired by three dimensional films such as Avatar, will be streamed simultaneously to Fashion hot spots all over the world- such as Paris, New York, Tokyo, Dubai and LA. 

The idea is that show goers will get a better view of the fabrics and colours, as well as being able to hear the music and sounds which compliment the displays, so that they will ultimately feel as though they are actually at the premier... though it might be less hassle to just go to London in the first place...

I am not certain what to make of this, it’s not exactly the ‘coolest’ of moves but it would be quite interesting to see rich and famous fashion icons trying to pout in the most dignified manner whilst viewing the show with a pair of ugly of 3D glasses stuck to their heads- although I suspect that unfortunately the budget for the specs will be a little higher than that of the plastic deformities that we mere ‘civilians’ are all used too!

However one thing's for sure, I would definitely prefer to watch the Burberry show rather than the three hour long Avatar film which is; as far as I can tell, simply a spin-off from the epic cartoon show- ‘The Smurfs.’ 

I guess we will just have to wait and see exactly how the special effects will benefit the fashion world, whether it’ll catch on and more importantly whether ‘3D’ effects actually make much difference with the two dimensional models... 

Never judge the Boyle by her cover... she could surprise twice!

Rapper Jay Z thinks Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle has the talent to make it as a fashion designer if she so wished.

In an interview with the News of the World, he said: ‘Everybody wants a piece of her and the market for her is huge’, he also said that the UK singing sensation would succeed based on the grounds that she would ‘appeal’ to women of a certain age.

Predictably most of my fellow bloggers have met the idea with a certain degree of negativity, with many speculating that the 'Hairy Angel' doesn't stand a chance.

Granted Su Bo does not maintain the boring airbrushed and Barbie doll image that we are all used to having rammed in our faces, but why the hell should that stop her?!

She was laughed at when she first jumped gleefully across the Britain’s got talent stage but when she opened that mouth of hers she certainly wiped the smirks off of the narrow minded faces in the crowd and the public warmed to just how... well... ‘human’ she is. 

Can I just bring your attention to Emma Watson... If I recall correctly, her public debut wasn’t met with roaring reviews as she squeaked her way through the first Harry Potter film as ‘Hermione Granger’ but now not only is she one of Hollywood’s most highest paid actresses’, she is also launching her own fashion range with PeopleTree, now who could honestly say that they saw that coming all those years ago? 

Ok, Watson may have the whole slim pretty girl thing working for her but why should that mean that she’s possesses anymore fashion knowledge than the rest of us? 

If there is one thing the fashion industry needs, it’s a human touch... less of this ‘trying to make a statement’ thing- there are only so many pairs of metallic spandex leggings and massively egotistical shoulder pads one can bear to look at before fighting the urge to be sick becomes the main priority... the essence of what I would suspect would be ‘normality’ would actually make for quite a refreshing change. 

If Susan Boyle was to start her own fashion range, I’m not saying I’d be there to snap it up (not at my age anyway) but I would at least stop to give it a chance before I passed any shallow judgement on it... learn from your mistakes people!

The great debate; fashion and fur... though not exactly how you might think

This is a rather odd post to begin my blogging career with, but considering domestic pets are often seen as a fashion commodity- (referring to those who carry the small yapper type dogs in ridiculously expensive handbags), then I feel it’s presence to be valid none the less. 

In recent news, a ‘crazy goth girl’ in America has been charged with ‘Animal cruelty’ after piercing her cats ears and other parts of their little furry bodies.

The Daily Mail described the kittens as 'maimed and disfigured' after some of the animals were pierced up to ten times because the owner decided the resulting appearance was ‘neat’, (although scrutiny for the word ‘neat’ could very well be in order; that is an issue that will have to wait on the sidelines for now). 

As you can probably guess, most people with a certain level of intelligence and moral coding were outraged by this, and I imagine that there is already a Facebook group set up, to demonstrate such anger with numerous angry smilies dotted all over the wall. 

However, it got me thinking, why is this actually wrong? Because the animal is defenseless right? 

So why is it that it is not deemed cruel to pierce the ears of human babies? They are defenseless too are they not? 

You see it all the time, Mum’s with numerous cigarettes sticking out of their faces, whilst juggling their pride and joy (bottle of White Lightning), as well as a naive new born in their arms, their little ears glistening with the latest Argos tat... and all in the name of ‘fashion'. 

Why are these women not charged with something? Is a baby of five months actually capable of communicating a desire to be shot in the side of the head with a piercing gun? 

No.

Thinking about this particular variety of parent has lead me on to thinking about cows; we pierce the farm animals with pretty yellow tags as a method of identification, which although could be argued as a practical necessity, is still a vague form or animal cruelty.

So I think the main idea that I have concluded from this ‘topical’ discussion is simply this; if there is a rule in place protecting one animal, then surely it should protect them all- regardless of the cute factor, or not be in place at all. 

Elements of fashion such as ‘piercing’ should only be allowed to be practiced upon someone of sound mind and who can verbally confirm that it is a personal desire for the foreign object to be stapled to their body and not simply a decision made by someone who thinks it’s ‘neat’ (feel free to swap this word for another positive adjective).