You do look like a stilton person...

I hate food shopping.

I have hated food shopping since I was a little girl and NOTHING has changed.

I don't know what it is about food shopping but there must be a reason why some people, who may be approachable in other locations, just turn into complete arse's whilst at the supermarket.

I think that this is something which needs to be investigated further.

The reason for this carefully worded 'post'... cough (rant), is mainly due to the fact that I got crushed today whilst doing my weekly food shop at Sainsbury's.

Some strange creature- who smelt like an ash-tray and looked like a scrunched up version of the miserable 'Mona Lisa', pinned me against a pillar in the supermarket with her trolley, as I attempted to casually browse the cheese section.

At first I thought that this was simply an oversight on her part- that maybe, she just hadn't seen me there... but unbelievably, this was not the case!

After a few seconds, I cleared my throat in an attempt to attract her attention but she merely glanced back at me, before taking her sweet time choosing a particularly smelly and sweaty looking cheese.

Maybe like choice of dog, you can tell more about the personality of someone from the type of cheese that they choose to eat.

So there I was, my life passing before my eyes as I stood pinned against a pillar in Sainsbury's, my left arm going numb as I clutched a chilled bottle of milk.

At the time, I wasn't even sure that I would ever get free.

Maybe if supermarkets had lifeguards sitting on really tall chairs so that they could watch over the shop, they could rescue the naive food shopper like me, from brutal predators such as 'Scrunched Mona'.

Eventually Scrunched Mona chose her cheese and waddled off but not before shooting me a glance which plainly said: 'talk to me... and I will eat you'.

Lovely.

I think you have to be aggressive when you go food shopping, otherwise you just won't survive necessary supermarket trips.

I even managed to have issues in the car-park whilst trying to leave.

Stupidly, I chose a route out of the car-park which takes you across the front of the shop, meaning that you meet three zebra crossings on the way out.

The first two were relatively easy to pass over and I confidently shifted into second gear as the exit was merely yards in front of me... but then... I stopped.

I couldn't help it.

There was a sweet old lady fighting to steer her shopping trolley across my path and I had to let her go.

Problem is, when you wait for one, you have to wait for the rest of the world, as each case seems just as desperate as the last...

...he has kids with him and clearly needs to get back to his car soon, I'll let her go, she looks friendly enough, the next man has a slight limp, he'd better go too and so on and so forth.

Needless to say, I wasn't popular with the angry motorists queuing up behind me.

I might have to invest in Karate lessons or something, just so that I can boost my confidence levels and learn to be more aggressive... either that, or just stop eating.

What's worse, is that I have just discovered that whilst in an understandable state of shock, I must have picked up the wrong variety of cheese and so now I must survive on 'Organic Wenslydale' for the foreseeable future, as punishment for my timidness.

Thank god clothes shopping isn't this dramatic, otherwise I just don't know what I'd do.

High-sneak snippets

Sometimes complete strangers have the ability to make you smile and sometimes it happens when you are in need of it the most.

Whilst out shopping you see a coloured range of people and they are often so caught up in the happenings of their busy shopping trip, that they don't quite realise that what they are muttering to their friend, may as-well be broadcasted on the department store's tannoy system.

Sometimes they are speaking just a fraction too loud and attract a mass of attention... and sometimes you just simply can't help but overhear...

In this new (soon-to-be-regular) feature of my blog, I bring to you snippets of high-street conversation with the aim of making YOU smile.

I will log short snappy sentences or quick quirky conversations which I hear whilst taking in my regular dose of retail therapy.

I aim to give those of you who find shopping a chore, something to listen out for when you yourselves are battling in the high-street and everyone else... well, just something to smile about.

.............................................................

During a half time coffee break on one of my random spending sprees, I overheard a conversation between two middle-aged women on the table next to me.

What I heard quite literally had me fighting to keep my face straight in the pretence that I hadn't bared witness to anything out of the ordinary.

What made this eavesdropping episode particularly amusing, was the fact that the women in question were quite clearly the 'well-to-do' types, making what came out of their mouths all the more surprising.

Their conversation went something like this:

Upper class lady one: "Darling, am I looking unusually lovely today or something?"

Upper class lady two: "Erm... you always look lovely my dear why?"

Upper class lady one: "Well I don't want to sound bigheaded but I seem to be attracting quite a lot of male attention today and I swear I got winked at in the street!

Upper class lady two: "Yes I did notice"

Upper class lady one: "You did?"

Upper class lady two: "Erm... yes... aren't you cold in just your silk top?"

Upper class lady one: "Not overly sweetie why?"

Upper class lady two: "Now you won't take this the wrong way dear will you?"

Upper class lady one: "Take what the wrong way?" (laughing)

Upper class lady two: "Well it's just that your chest rather looks like it is trying to pick up radio signals."

And upon this sublime utterance 'Upper class lady one' promptly claps her hands over her nipples in a most indiscreet manner.

.............................................................

Magnificent.

Vampiric shoes

Note to self: If a new pair of shoes cuts into the flesh of your heel and results in pleasant pool of blood collecting in said shoe... do not then put them on the very next day thinking that your destroyed heel is now miraculously capable of dealing with the blood draining sweeties.

Why do we do it? Even when an item of clothing, (or shoe), attempts to cut our brief existence on this planet short... we always justify wearing it again because it 'looks cute' or makes us look like them 'supermodel types'.

It is ridiculous when you think about it and yet we all do it... and most of us will probably do it again soon, maybe even right now you are wearing something which is not in the least bit comfortable????

I'm not going down the OAP route of promoting 'comfy' clothing- you know, the type of which consists of sagging trackie bottoms, moth-eaten jumpers and ill-fitting vest tops... but maybe, just maybe if we all wore more 'practical' things, then we could remove the first-aid kit from our handbags and free up much needed room!

Who am I trying to kid? It's a proven scientific fact that wearing body-destroying items is a woman's weakness and someone needs to come up with a cure- fast!!!

In the meantime I know I shall probably wear said vampiric shoes again- they are very 'cute' but I definitely won't be wearing them tomorrow... probably.

Saw someone wearing white leggings...

... and they looked like they had two misshapen tictacs hanging off of their torso.

White leggings never look good- don't do it people!

No to neon!

Listen up kids, word of advice: you may think that wearing neon accessories is cool and 'ironic' because you think that you look like you're about to go clubbing- when you plainly aren't old enough. But I can tell you that neon accessories look cheap and tacky.

Do you ever see Kate Moss or Victoria Beckham wearing neon?? No? Funny that...

Adding neon colours to a daily wardrobe did not work in the 1990's for Screech from Saved by the bell... so it definitely does not work for you (and if you're too young to know who screech is- then look him up!)

I remember in my day, we stuck to colours that didn't blind onlookers and create a potential crash hazard...

... so if, for some inexplicable reason, you still insist on wearing neon, please just stay off of the side of the roads.

Greater expense doesn't make it better

Looking in the mirror in the mornings can be an alarming experience... like when the eye make-up you failed to remove properly the night before has migrated down the side of your face and resulted in a theatrical ‘zombie’ look.

No-one looks ready for the catwalk in the mornings but the worst problem has to be the ‘bed hair’.

The problem with having short hair, is that it’s hard to control, especially when you frequently wake up looking like Vivienne from the Young Ones.

You’d think that with such a common problem, the standard of hair-styling products would therefore be through the roof- alas no!

I have purchased ‘the latest scientific breakthrough in hair styling products’, more times than I can count... and have been disappointed every time.

My constant search for a decent product as lead me to conduct a trial of three top brands, the results of which, were quite surprising:

1) John Masters organic hair texturizer £17.00

Anything with the word ‘organic’ in the title usually leaves me feeling pretty smug at its purchase but unfortunately the good points end here.

The instructions advise that you use the product sparingly but this resulted in the hair gunk drying out on my hands before it had even reached my head.

Though it did add considerable texture and volume, upon closer inspection I realised that product had dried in snow-like clumps all over my head- not easy to cover-up in April!

2) Toni & Guy texture paste £5.99

Although the fruity smell is enticing, this product is by far the worst.

The thick, wet, moulding gunk, caused my straightened hair to return to it’s curly poodle-like state in an instant, leaving it too heavy and greasy to work with.

3) Lee stafford messed up spray wax £4.49

I love this product.

Everything from the bright pink packaging- which attracts me like a magpie to shiny things, to the great-smelling product within.

It textured my hair brilliantly, leaving it glowing and perfectly styled. I suspect that it wouldn’t have the strength to style longer hair but I definitely recommend it for those with short, to shoulder length locks.

A David Attenblog

I often refer to a shopping trip as an 'animalistic hunt' and anyone who has properly encountered the 'hullabaloo' of end-of-season sales, would not disagree.

I once witnessed two middle-aged women display a fascinating behavioral pattern which is normally associated with alpha-male gorillas during mating season. Each female competing for the prize, (in this case a pair of jeans with 30 per cent off), whilst the shoppers who manage to retain decorum merely stalk the edges of the shop- waiting to scavenge garments which are left clinging limply to the carcass of the sale rail.

After undertaking numerous shopping expeditions, I have documented many fascinating creatures which thrive in the retail world.

Often ignored but ever-present is the ‘shop assistant’ and in this very special blog, I provide you with information which has never before been documented about this creature and the three most common breeds.

1) Snobiousshopious

This particular creature is very specific about their habitat. They will not be found in common high-street shops and normally prefer to build a nest out of the finest available materials.

Be warned, this particular shop assistant can become quite hostile if it thinks that you have no placing within its' ‘finer’ hierarchic territory.

Blend in with its' natural surroundings and show that you do not feel intimidated by composing yourself with graceful airs.

2) Colossallybewilderdicus

Unfortunately, this particular breed of shop assistant is very common and can become quite alarmed when posed with even the simplest of questions.

It’s best to avoid this creature at all costs, or you may be left dealing with a painfully gormless display of highly bewildering stupidity.

3) Deservingbutnevergettingpromotionous

Finally, we have the rarest of all the creatures; the ‘caring’ assistant.

Distinguishable behavioural patterns include: genuine helpfulness and a believable expression of sorrow- often displayed when sought after garments are not in stock.

They work tirelessly to assemble a variety of coloured garments in order to create a display that will impress a largely female audience.

Look out for this particular species and treat them well because in such a profit driven industry, their numbers are sadly decreasing.