The only place where traditional fashion doesn't belong!

OK, I have just got back from Download festival and have much to tell about losing my music festival virginity... but for now, let us discuss the beloved subject of ‘fashion’... or in this case a severe lack of it.

I really don’t know where to begin... though this delayed thought process may be due to the fact that sleep has been just as non-existent as portaloo cleanliness over the past four days. 

The usual eccentric ensembles were on display... man-kinis, tutus, banana suits, various animal costumes, Mexican wrestling masks, rubber zombie animal masks, odd shaped hats and very occasionally; the most disturbingly hairy birthday suits. 

Noting the outfits and the general appearance of others over the course of the last few days has been an... erm... interesting experience, and listening into the conversations of others who are worse off than you are- either due to intoxication by one or more substances, or simply due to general madness, which envelopes you once you lapse into a severe case of hygiene withdrawal.

The most amusing utterance to hit my ears came from a young girl of about 16 years of age. Her simple inquisition of: “do I look OK” to her friend in the portaloo queue has never been so funny. 

I answered this question, (in my mind), with this: ‘No. You most certainly do not look OK and I am not being harsh, just let me explain: you are stood in a suspiciously coloured puddle; wearing an ill-fitting ‘Wonder Woman’ costume- which clashes horribly with your orange neon socks and sweatbands, add these elements plus the mud which is caked up the back of your legs and arse; a disturbing wet patch on your chest; the make-up streaming down your happy, (yet sweaty) face, plus the fact that you probably smell like a biffa bin on a hot summers day. All of these elements have, unsurprisingly, led me to the conclusion that no my dear, you do not look OK... no-body does! 

This is the only time that I will ever advise this, but the best fashion tips for festivals is: take lots of rubbish clothing and pack for all weathers, in a word, ‘comfy clothing’... 

...Yes people, I’m talking OAP gear. 

All of these high street shops which are trying to ploy you with ‘festival must-haves’ are liars. You do not need any nice things, and certainly not new things. 

Before I embarked on my festival trip I naively planned outfit combinations for each day, including a couple of spares and matching accessories but by the end of the first day, all of my plans had been destroyed, and towards the end I simply ended up throwing my body into my bag of creased clothing and surfacing from the dark tent wearing whatever garments had managed to cling to my body, in their near-correct positions. 

In addition to OAP comfort garments, I would recommend these items as the actual festival must-haves: 

• Hat(s). I took my favourite straw trilby, but it got crushed- and you wouldn’t even be able to guess how it met its end, it just did. 

• Baby Wipes. No matter what you wear, you will still feel gross, always keep the wet wipes on hand to freshen up, they only leave you feeling great for about five minutes but that’s better than nothing.

• Bin liners. They can be cleverly transformed into disposable mackintoshes should the weather take a turn for the worse. 

• Sunglasses. Hide the bloodshot and the bags, not attractive but inevitable. 

• Large jumper/hoodie x2. I am ashamed to say that one of mine survived on my body for about 36hrs straight... and may have been worn again on a later occasion... and possibly again on the way home.  

If you haven’t been to a festival, I’m really not trying to put you off, I had the time of my life... but just don’t expect to look your best in a place where you get dressed muddy tent and spend most of your time in a sweaty arena, showering in nothing but the rain and any other suspicious liquids which fly through the air. 

Click on the links above for practical festival attire ideas...